(In)security - A Friend or a Foe

 As I write this page, Mumbai and many other cities are observing a sharp rise in Covid cases. The waves of uncertainty and chaos keep knocking on our doors just when we start to feel a bit secure. Secure….doesn’t it just mean bright sunlight, sufficient food on the table and fresh water to drink?? Probably no, I perceived it slightly differently, embellished with my fancy thoughts.

I wished to bring up this topic a long time ago - (in)security. Most of us deal with this sentiment at every phase of life. However, there are phases in our lives where insecurities might bog us down. As I began to embrace my emotional well-being last year, taking some time off was inevitable. Interestingly, I kept on postponing the decision for a long time. And reasons, many - everything that ranged from ‘I can’t give up’ to ‘healthcare security’ to ‘savings’ and what not!  

 

As and when I pondered over taking a break, there were these persistent and equally strong thoughts on my financial independence, work title and the glamour quotient which I had always loved. These had been part of my life for almost two decades and it wasn’t easy to let go of them. As I look back, I wasn’t really designed to become a career oriented woman. My dreams and aspirations were very modest given my humble background. I mostly aspired for a decent education and a good family life :-)

In contrast, my destiny took me to places and different work profiles. Since I became a sole breadwinner at a very early age, I had to be responsible and answerable. Apparently, the values that are rare to find these days! This paid me off greatly and I loved every bit of work I accomplished and accolades that came my way. At the same time, rapid pace, praises and promotions became an integral part of my life, my habit and my way of living.

And, then came this painstaking decision of taking a break which wasn’t easy at all. In my previous blog, I have expressed about standing down if the need be. But dear readers, it isn’t easy! How possibly one would want to give away leaves earned after working for many years? How would one give up on that sms beep which rings on every 30th? How would one be able to ever ask for funds from his/ her partner? What if your position and title is taken away by someone else?

My so-called habits or way of life had also given me insecurities. And so, despite knowing my emotional health and the sheer need to break away, I chose not to take any call that was unconventional. My insecurities held me high and it pushed me to keep the show on.

Dear Readers, our insecurities are like an addiction. They stimulate and steer our daily lives in a way that seems perfectly fine. It is in the dark and loneliness, you reckon that this is not the right thing. It so easily makes you happy. But this is temporary, it wears and tears you down. It pushes to the edge of a cliff. 

I was fortunate, indeed very fortunate! It was during the quarantine period, I reckoned that we usually do not need many things to live a simple life. It is just about having nutritious food, a decent pair of clothes, good books to read and some fine movies to watch! Rest all is discretionary. Our work and contribution to the workplace matter more than the title and position. It is okay to give up on them for a while and return with a rejuvenated mind. And, I made the right decision and stood up to it. 

Today, after about 5-months of break, I feel happy and content. I made a bold move and didn’t feel ashamed even a bit. I consulted a therapist and worked on my inner child. I took some time off. I slept like never before. I played with my girl and spent time cooking for her and playing with her. I realigned my relationship with my lovely husband and my family. I enjoyed the festivities and fasted too. I learnt a bit of Korean language and spent some lovely evenings with besties. I am getting back now…healthy, happy and smiling :-)

Dear Readers, this video of Sadguru touched me the most and that’s what I want to leave you with - 

To deal with your insecurity, coming to terms with mortality is one very important thing. If you don’t come to terms with mortality, you’re living in a fancy unreal world, not the real world ……You come with nothing. So whatever is happening, you are on the profit side, isn’t it? And anyway, they don’t allow you to take a container in the end. So all you have is, how profound, intense and beautiful is your experience of life. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=togL51YXNXg)