2021 - Covid19 & Awakening

 At the start of my break, I was very sure to start my own blog post. But just as one can imagine, I found enough excuses for why I could not write one. A prompt from someone dear finally got me writing. And, instead of brain wrecking on what to write, I am choosing to look back and reflect on how it went by. 

These few blogs probably will recreate the journey of 2021, especially reflecting on why it’s best to learn and adapt to your surroundings, why it is so important for us to keep retrospecting from time to time. And, more importantly, why is it okay to let go of some of your dreams and allow new ones to emerge.  

The year 2021 started very volatile for almost everyone, no matter where they were and what they were doing. As for me, it had an extra layer of burdening thoughts and sentiments which I carried from previous years. The fact that my Australia dreams came crashing had been bearing constantly on me. Why does an ambitious woman have to adjust her ambition as per her family’s convenience? Why are we wired to put family in front of our careers? Why is it that Indian households still consider women’s careers as ‘secondary’? Whilst I didn’t have answers to these questions, I struggled emotionally as the sense of jealousy, ego and competition prevailed in me. Sounds stubborn, doesn't it?

I started resenting everyone who came my way and wasn’t agreeing to my ideas, be it at home and at the workplace. The negativity peaked when I began self loathing and victimising myself for what I was doing. It was so easy, in fact very convenient, to pass the blame to someone. What a perfect arrangement this was! 

And, then came the master plan - my decision to quit the work. An illusion that I nurtured for a while that this is the only way I can prove my significance to my spouse and my family. In a way, this also had to hit at the workplace, how can they lose someone so nice!

As they say, life happens when you’re busy planning for it. The most undesired news of 2021 was at my doorstep - Covid19. The ego, aggression and resentment were all taken over by sheer pain and fear. I had these bouts of extreme thoughts that initially shook me completely. How did I get infected with this virus? What if this is already transmitted to my daughter? What if this gets worsened? Is he settling my karma? I’d be lying if I’d be terming this as stressful as these sentiments were beyond that.

Once the initial storm in me had settled, there came this beautiful and quiet time I had always wished for. I just had to look after myself for all 24 hours, and for ten such days. I wouldn’t call this blissful, but rather awakening period, as it really gave me the space I needed to rewind myself. I really got a chance to observe, introspect and reflect on how my life has evolved for good and offered abundance of anything I ever asked for. Here’s what I ended up realising at the end of the quarantine period….

… it doesn’t matter if you have differences with your partner or your family. In the crisis, it is them who stand by your side and take care of you. And, we too think of their well being leaving behind grudges (read indifferences) you have.

… your true friends and well wishers stand out and root for your well being irrespective of where they are. It is their love and faith in the relationship which holds you strong in the need of the hour. Rest all are fake and you should stop bothering about them.

… everything has the right time and right reasons. If life has got you thus far, it will continue to do so. It’s just about waiting patiently and taking the right step.

… NEVER distrust yourself. Your values and character make you who you are. The marks in your heart show where you’ll go. But the marks on your face show where you’ve been! (from one of the Julia Roberts movies)

… when you reorganise your thoughts, you are actually realigning with the divine ask. It’s not a compromise! He’s watching and paving the way for you. So, start visualising the best of you and the path shall be created.

… happiness comes in small packets… warmth of rising sun, music, blooming flowers, colourful and vibrant sunset, smell of a new book, red lipstick, peaceful nights and delicious food!  It’s up to us to not miss them.

   

Lastly, it’s okay to stand down and do nothing. It’s okay to say out loud that I am not in the right frame of mind and I don’t want to do anything. Even the world class machines demand downtime. So do we! As John Greenleaf Whittier has beautifully penned…

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.